There are no guarantees in this love thing. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be no matter how hard you try. It is very conditional and what has always felt like unpredictable. Two great people can have bad timing and other times train wrecks happen simultaneously. There are people who love or resist love very strategically, they've developed methods for themselves on how to best give or guard their hearts. For them love is more controlled more regulated, they know how to avoid falling in too deep. Most of them have experienced severe disappointment in matters of the heart. They have learned through their own trials or some times studying love mentors what happens to them when they are vulnerable, when someone gets too close or sees too much. They will avoid this pain at any cost. If they let you in, entrance will come through a filter, delivered in doses, drips for some. Love for them is always about testing and building up evidence why there is no way you could ever truly love them so you too must be strategizing. Or at least that is what they assume. And put up roadblocks and checkpoints and checklists as barriers between you and their heart. For them love is a chess game and the ideal player is one who is 7 steps ahead at all times. And then there are others like us.
“It is also my belief that there is only so far you can go in your self discovery process before you need close relationships with other humans. Intimate ones where you truly see each other, mirror reflections. The ability to be interdependent is the true test of humanity and existence on this planet."
On the occasions when I'm feeling not enough or too much or consumed by the negative self talk, I reflect on my life chasing love. Right now I feel gracious and grateful to be a recipient of this blessing to be both a giver and a receiver. I have to remind myself often to sit still and be taken care of. To lean on my husband which I do regularly in so many ways that gives him opportunity to show up for me and us. In turn, we challenge him to be more of a man then even he dreamed up or had examples of. We give that to each other. He allows, better yet requires me to tell him what I need, with him I share my feelings to the best of my ability and he listens to me sometimes just to understand me better, other times to offer solutions. I am blossoming into my full self as a woman. I love how this love makes me feel even more important, just being me. He is my best of friends. There are things to become insecure or over sensitive about if I let them but I choose to believe that I deserve a man that loves me deeply and this is evident in not only what he says but what he does and does not do.
My role as his partner is to continue to activate that part of him that grows and stretches and heals. Hold space for him, admire him, appreciate and respect his ideas and autonomy, leave lots of room to breathe and an ear to listen. I love being his woman, and I'm okay with not being so independent. That was a farce anyway. I desire that loving always be easy; we three imperfect people that found a home in each other. I pray daily to improve as a partner and to do my parts well, because to whom much is given much is required. And he deserves the kind of woman that invests in him as well, is considerate of who he is and loves him for him. Some love avoiders are love chasers in disguise. You cannot make someone love you but you can inspire.
It is also my belief that there is only so far you can go in your self discovery process before you need close relationships with other humans. Intimate ones where you truly see each other, mirrored reflections. The ability to be interdependent is the true test of humanity and existence on this planet. Independence is an illusion, we are all looking for something in others; it's okay to admit we need each other, to partner up. I'm not ashamed to admit some of the things I did for love, and if I had to choose a motivation I think I would always choose the same one. For me it is that concrete, it's actually more.
Are you a love chaser? Share your stories with us.
Photo credit: Little Gionni